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AUTHOR'S NOTE/DISCLAIMER: The following article was written in parody. As far as the author knows, there is not some secret organization devoted to preserving the "Institution of Prom." Also, the author's editor has always been supportive of any ideas which he has ever nurtured, no matter how hideous or ghastly they may have been. In other words, what follows is just a joke. Sorry for any confusion

Since the beginning of this the Constance McMillen vs. the Itawamba County School Board fiasco, I have been working on an investigative report that would enable people to point their fingers at exactly who or what is to blame for the whole mess. Although I wrote my expose in the typical story format, it was denied publication in the pages of The Itawamba County Times.

"This is too hot-button a topic," my editor told me, tossing the story in the trash. "I want you to back off it."

Alas, I won't be deterred. Presented here is the story in full. I hope you read it, and are enlightened. Thank you.

Prom: Dance of death or delight?

ADAM ARMOUR

It was a single shot that started The Great War — a bullet which pierced Ferdinand’s jugular and was said to be “heard around the world.” This spark ignited the European powder keg and caused the world to explode into war.

Likewise, there has been a similar shot fired here in Itawamba County — an invisible bullet that has pierced the heart of the nation. When Itawamba Agricultural High School reportedly denied openly gay student Constance McMillen permission to bring her girlfriend to the prom and she subsequently filed a complaint with the ACLU, it was the start of what would become a national controversy. Who was blame for this fight? The school? The county board? McMillen herself? No one can say.

Some experts, however, have a potentially startling theory — one that has been summarily dismissed by most of the mainstream media due to its controversial claims:

The prom itself is at fault.

“Proms might just be the most negative force in the history of mankind,” said Dr. Phillip Haskell, a sociologist who specializes in gala studies. According to Haskell, history has proven the prom to be a largely detrimental influence on mankind, one that promotes a kind of carelessness that may end up as the downfall of civilization. Beneath the posh exterior of formal tuxes and frilly dresses beats the heart of a monster.

“Think about the problems caused by proms,” Haskell said. “Who’s taking out whom; ‘oh, what should I wear?’; ‘does this dress make me look fat?’; the repeatedly reported criminal operations of the corsage industry. These are the kinds of things consistently associated with high school proms, and are, frankly, senseless. There’s a way to stop all of this.”

Haskell, who has fought for years to put an end to what he calls the “Institution of Prom,” said that many more enlightened cultures have abandoned the concept long ago. He called its continual practice on these shores “barbaric.”

“Eastern civilizations such as Japan and China abolished proms decades ago, blaming them for massive explosions in population and those country’s current struggles with overcrowding,” Haskell said. “One look at the U.S. statistics shows that these issues could very well be facing our country in the near future. We have to be very careful.”

National studies by the World Prom Institute have repeatedly shown great population spikes in nearly every community nine months after a prom has been held in that area. In fact, some believe that 90 percent of all pregnancies stem from the practice of attending proms, or “promming” is it’s often called by experts.

“If continued, promming will, without a doubt, result in massive food shortages in the United States. Make no mistake, it will kill us all,” Haskell said.

Financial expert S.R. Wigginton claims proms have actually caused the economic crisis currently facing the United States.

“U.S. teens spend approximately $100-billion each year on attending proms. That’s enough to feed every other country in the world other than our own for the rest of all time,” Wigginton said. “That’s not including the medical costs of the hundreds of thousands of children born each year due to Prom. All combined, the numbers would simply be too staggering to comprehend.”

Wigginton suggested a more economically sound solution for the parents of teens looking for a prom-like activity without the prom-like expense.

“For heaven’s sake, parents, just leave your teen at home alone for 30 minutes. Heck, even 15 or five minutes would make a tremendous difference. Although your teen may be upset at first that he or she cannot attend the event, he or she will find a way to adapt. Trust me, those grandkids will come soon enough.”

Despite all of the negative evidence, others have taken a different, more positive view of the “Institution of Prom.” Dr. Olen Puffles, for example, believes man has Prom to thank for the continuation of its species.

“Prom has singlehandedly perpetuated the human race,” Puffles said. “I can say without hyperbole that if proms had been in existence 65-million years ago, I would have come to work this morning on the back of a T-Rex, or perhaps a brachiosaur, rather than in a four-door Kia.”

Puffles added that he believes pregnancy can still occur outside of the prom setting and that, despite her claims to the contrary, if John doesn’t ask Tina to go with him, she will indeed survive.

“There have been no concrete links between prom-related rejections and teen ‘dramacide,’” Puffles said. “The fact is, proms serve a very real, very positive function in our society. If properly controlled, these social events can continue to have a constructive influence on mankind and everybody will have a really, really nice time.”

But, while experts may continue to debate on its merits and flaws, one thing is for certain: Prom is here to stay — always lurking in the shadows; always ready to strike; always ready to fire that first shot.