slideshow

Just in case you haven’t picked up your copy of the March 16 issue of The Itawamba County Times, Fulton Mayor Paul Walker recently announced that the city collected the largest sales tax check in its history last December, and that sales tax collections for the current fiscal year are far outpacing those of last. Good news all around; good news always gets me to thinking.

Now that the city is rolling in it, I have a few suggestions — changes I feel would benefit the town as a whole. First up, it seems pretty obvious to me that the money would be well spent by sprucing things up a bit. The city can’t roll like a rock star if it has regular old asphalt streets. That ain’t “bling.” I suggest marbleizing those bad boys. Nothing says “classy” like marble...except perhaps a parrot trained to say the word “classy” over and over again. I suppose that would say “classy” more, but marble comes pretty close.

The city’s streetlights could use a little fancying up as well. I’m thinking purple neon ought to make downtown look pretty “banging.” Really light up Playgarden Park, you know. Oh, speaking of which, why aren’t those characters featured so prominently in the heart of the park encrusted in diamonds? Cost you say? Not an issue. Oh, and marbleize those, too. You can never have enough marble…or gold. Plate them in gold after marbleizing them.

 Ooo, ooo, and what could be more “balling” than replacing all the water flowing through the Tombigbee Waterway with Cristal? Nothing, that’s what. I don’t know the logistics of that one, but the city’s rich, now. Rich folks can do anything.

You know, the more I think about it, city officials should really just lower a huge dome over the city to protect from the grubby little hands of lesser communities. When your pockets are lined, everybody wants in. We can’t let that happen. I say seal us off. We’ll be sitting pretty — sliding down our marble streets or drinking from our liqueur river — while the rest of the world flounders in economic turmoil. It’ll slowly rot away while we, the people of Fulton, thrive like fruit in spring.

…Oh, wait. I live in Tupelo. Crap. I’m screwed.

Well, I guess in theory my bribes should be a little bit healthier, now. Right? That’ll be comfort, I guess.

Adam Armour writes for The Itawamba County Times. He can be also be found online at http://adamarmour.wordpress.com.